Forks

I just read a wonderful story in the New York Times called Those Aren't Fighting Words Dear. It is the story of a man in a mid-life transition (meltdown) who's state of mind threatens to implode his family and turn everyone's life inside out. All the things we have seen in friends or family members from one partner or the other; he wants a divorce, miserable, lashing out, etc.

The author (the wife) told the tale of how she handled her side of the issue. Largely with the core understanding that satisfaction comes from within, and the phrase "I'm not buying it" followed by huge amounts of patience and self control. I would guess this woman has done a great deal of the personal work we all should do when we reach adult maturity.

Here's why this tale touched me so deeply.

I was this man about 10 years ago.

In my mid 40's I was ready to chuck my nearly 20 year marriage and go off with another woman. I felt we had reached the end of a road and it was not going anywhere no matter what. I don't know if the same chemistry runs through us at this mid-life stage as when we are teenagers, but if it isn't, it is close enough.

Don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my actions, even if I was a bit insane all the while.

When I sat my spouse down and dumped it all out, she was very upset. 'Triggered Flight or Fight response (she ran). We were both very upset, but somehow kept from being angry or blaming each other. We focused on the situation(s):

• What led us to that point.


• How we would get through today


• How it might resolve
  

We both made a vow to act from love and hope for the best. This might sound cliche' or like a platitude, but this is what we did in all sincerity.

For a period of several months, I continued to see the other woman, feeling split about being in love with her and confused about everything around that. To complicate things more, she (O.W.) was also married.

Like the woman in the NYT story, my partner was patient, and willing to wait, see, and accept the outcome, whatever it might be. There is a freeing force in having the worst thing you can imagine happen; it releases you from all the things you held back from saying, doing, being because frankly, you no longer have anything to lose.

This liberation helped us begin to see each other for who we are, instead of the projections we had created. It got us both in touch with our inner selves, goals, desires, feelings. We began to fall in love again. This did not change my feelings for the Other Woman, the confusion was carried along until something broke.

In the early summer of that year, a big-time New Thought conference was held in Austin. Both couples attended for 2 1/2 days. All the big names held workshops. The keynote speaker was Deepak Chopra. Friday night he spoke to us about reality and how the universe is standing by to help us create the world we desire to live in. I believe this is true, as it has never failed me in my life.

After the lecture, the lights went out and he took us on a long, guided meditation. During the experience I began to weep. I don't know what was happening to this day. But in the meditation I saw myself from a long, long distance off. My months-long powerful struggle seemed like nothing from there. When the lights came up and we were leaving, I told my partner that "something happened in there, and everything is going to be alright".

I still can't explain it, but I had clarity. Everything settled down, my wife and I stayed together, (O.W. divorced and married someone else) and are celebrating our 30th anniversary this month. We have gone on, day by day to create the life we have desired, are very happy with our choices and each other.